Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
“Explain Like I’m a Racist 5-Year-Old” began as a takeoff of the popular subreddit “Explain Like I’m 5,” which simplifies complex issues into easily understandable, digestible bites that even a bigoted toddler could understand.
Psssst. Pssst! Mr. Harriot! Are you ready to go?
Hello, Racist Baby! Long time, no see! Where are we going?
Wait … what are you doing with a bottle of vodka and a Bible? You’re only 8 years old! And why are you whispering?
I’m here to rescue you! I stole this liquor bottle from dad and rushed over while no one was looking. I even brought my Bible so alcoholic Jesus could show us the way. I’ve heard enough negro spirituals to know that we have to follow the Drinking God.
No, RB. “The Drinking Gourd” is a term used by enslaved people on the Underground Railroad as code for the Big Dipper. But what are you supposedly rescuing me from?
Well, I overheard my father say that Black voters were stuck on the Democratic plantation. I know you vote, so I wanted to set you free. Even though my father says that slavery was the best thing that ever happened to you people, you’re one of my best friends, so I wanted to set you free!
Oh, my little neophyte Nazi, that’s so brave of you. But the Democratic plantation is just a figure of speech used by people to describe Black people’s tendency to vote for one party.
Are you sure it’s not a real place? I know you think my dad is racist, but he knows a lot about politics. He says the Democrats are the real racists. Have you ever heard of this man called Jason Whitlock? Candace Owens? They say that both parties are the same. So how do you know you’re not being tricked into staying on the Democratic plantation?
If both parties are identical,…
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